Why do people call others who are not fond of Christmas, Scrooge? This makes no sense to me. I could understand it if the people are wealthy and hoard money. That is what Scrooge was in a “Christmas Carol” By Charles Dickens. This time of year is one of the worst for a lot of people. They get depressed because they can not be with family or friends. They dislike how materialistic the world has become. People also want to do things for others but do not have the financial means to do so. These are all valid reasons for not liking Christmas I feel. I fall into all three categories. I have no friends, I am not getting along with part of my family, I hate that we are guilted into blowing all our money to appease Corporations;so they can give CEO’s and shareholders big bonuses and dividends, I also can not afford to do anything for anyone this year. I am just not that fond of this time of years, especially considering that the only reason we have this holiday is based on a lie. No one knows when Christ was born or even if he truly existed. This holiday was made up by the Catholic Church to bring people of other religions in to it. Then it was hijacked be major corporations to make a buck off the poor and middle classes.
It was my third grade teacher who told us that Santa was not real.Of course this was at the beginning of a bad time in my life that made me question if there was even really a god. I lost two grandparents, my great grandmother and my cousin between the ages of 8 and 10. I was also molested by a babysitter, she did get fired by my parents but that was all the counseling I got until I became an adult. I also did my own research on religions and cults and saw similarities between them all. I thought to myself if I were in a religion which would it be. If I joined one I would be condemned by the others it seemed. I eventually came to the conclusion if there was a god he would show himself to everyone and let us know what he wanted us to do. Instead of choosing a few to put forth his word and picking people who were worthy like a father or mother choosing who their favorite children were. So I am now an Atheist. I may not always be happy go lucky, But I realize that it is up to me to do the best I can to make this world a better place. Maybe we should change the name of the season to the season of peace and have a couple of days where we can have peace for the most part around the world. we don’t have to worry about the material things and focus on building relationships with other people. This should I feel be a time for renewing people’s faith in humanity. This should be a time when the world comes together to celebrate other cultures and people. But that is just how I see things. How about you?
I have two fears that hinder me and they seem diametrically opposed to one another. These ar my fear of failure and my fear of success. The fear of failure I hear a lot of people have. This is because we have been taught that failure equals loser, in most respects. When we actually learn more from our failures than our successes. This I know on a conscious level. It is the subconscious level that needs the work. I hate failing, but yet I know that is just a part of life. I have started working on this by going back to school and building more confidence in myself. It is my other fear that really stunts my growth, my fear of success.
I fear success because I am afraid of what I will become if I am successful. I do not want to be some self center person that doesn’t care about anyone except them selves or the close relatives. I am not like that though I can some time come off like that, because I an severely introverted and am alone most of the time. I try to get out to events at school but it is so hard to actually meet and talk to people for me. I hide away in my home wanting to go out and do things like: I wanted to go out to the protest at Standing Rock. This is and important thing for me. Standing up for something I believe like access to fresh water, and not having to worry about a pipe busting open, and polluting the entire water supply for mine or any other peoples area. Yet, I was too afraid to go and kept making excuses, granted having to get to class and working to make sure all my bills are paid is s pretty good one. I hate going places by myself and I do that all too often now days.
Sorry I went on a bit of a tangent there. Basically, I have issues with power whether it is me having it or someone else. Power is something that I feel should be spread evenly amongst the populous. This way we can make our own laws that way we can do away with this what I like to call “a sliding cast system”. This is a system in which we have different rungs of people like: lower middle, upper and tippy top classes. Which people can move up and down in. Though it is easier to go down than up. Then there are very few who can even reach that level and when they do they hoard money to the point it destroys the economy. Do people really need Monstrous mansions, the most expensive cars and homes all over the world; especially when there are people in this world who have a hard time just feeding their families or to keep a roof over their heads. We have people making millions maybe even billions killing other for their resources.
This year I had to read the “White Mans Burden” by Rudyard Kipling. This is a poem about how us as Americans should take up the mantel of an empire. Kipling thought that we should because we did not have the history that other countries had in the past like:Britain and the Belgians. This show how much he really saw things. We were brutal too the natives, black slaves, Chinese and Irish in this country. I would say that the past five too six hundred years of history shows how brutal the white man is. This is coming from a white male. I do not hate my race, but I acknowledge that this nation has never been great. Yes we we started the industrial revolution and we were making progress for a while. But until we recognize what we have done as a country and try to make a mends for that we will never be great. The true White Man’s Burden is something we did to others and ourselves. Though many will not admit it. Those are the ones who think they are better than everyone else. Those are the same people who promoted slavery in the past, committed mass genocide of the native population in this land.

Last night I was Inducted in to Phi Theta Kappa, the international Honor Society for 2 years college students. This was one of my many goals that I have. Man I am nervous. Now I have a standard that other will be expecting more of me. Other than my hair at time I am quite forgettable. Though it always felt like a shallow life, no real meaning. That has been one of my driving forces in life, finding meaning for myself. Now I worry about being staying good enough to stay in the Honor Society. This is what I wanted, this is what I felt might help me open up more and get out of my comfort zone. Now I am shrinking back in to my shell again. I have to stop playing the what if game and just do what I have been doing the past couple of semester and I should be fine. Unfortunately, I have lost some of my passion over the summer. I should have stayed in school the whole time then I would probably not feel this way. Next summer, Summer school or volunteer or something because my job sucks and I need something that make me feel like a human and not a drone.
I found this video this morning and here are my thoughts about it.
We need to take a good long look inside ourselves. As someone who suffers from mental illness a story like this speaks volumes. If I am feeling suicidal I will not be and I will tell others not to call the cops for help. My biological father also has a mental illness and even though I have not seen him since I was 3, I would not want this to happen to him. I have my illness under control for now and I try to avoid my triggers as much as possible. But, as a human I can not avoid them all. It gets rough at times and these thoughts pop in from time to time. Deep down I do not want to think this way, but it happens. This why we need to wrangle in the police they are jumping the gun to much as of late and not really assessing the situation. If you are a cop or you know a cop, please stop and think get as much information as you can before you fire that weapon. I know I may lose more friends over this but at this point I just don’t care. No one seems to be listening to the people of this country at all and we the citizens are paying the ultimate price. What if this was your family member? What if you were a family member of this Officer, who did the right thing and got fired for it? This is unacceptable!!!!!!!!!!