Journal Entry 6: My Mind Works in Mysterious Ways

I have two fears that hinder me and they seem diametrically opposed to one another.  These ar my fear of failure and my fear of success.  The fear of failure I hear a lot of people have.  This is because we have been taught that failure equals loser, in most respects.  When we actually learn more from our failures than our successes.  This I know on a conscious level.  It is the subconscious level that needs the work.  I hate failing, but yet I know that is just a part of life.  I have started working on this by going back to school and building more confidence in myself.  It is my other fear that really stunts my growth, my fear of success.

I fear success because I am afraid of what I will become if I am successful.  I do not want to be some self center person that doesn’t care about anyone except them selves or the close relatives.  I am not like that though I can some time come off like that, because I an severely introverted and am alone most of the time.  I try to get out to events at school but it is so hard to actually meet and talk to people for me. I hide away in my home wanting to go out and do things like: I wanted to go out to the protest at Standing Rock.  This is and important thing for me.  Standing up for something I believe like access to fresh water, and not having to worry about a pipe busting open, and polluting the entire water supply for mine or any other peoples area.  Yet, I was too afraid to go and kept making excuses, granted having to get to class and working to make sure all my bills are paid is s pretty good one.   I hate going places by myself and I do that all too often now days.

Sorry I went on a bit of a tangent there.  Basically, I have issues with power whether it is me having it or someone else. Power is something that I feel should be spread evenly amongst the populous. This way we can make our own laws that way we can do away with this what I like to call “a sliding cast system”.  This is a system in which we have different rungs of people like: lower middle, upper and tippy top classes. Which people can move up and down in.  Though it is easier to go down than up.  Then there are very few who can even reach that level and when they do they hoard money to the point it destroys the economy.  Do people really need Monstrous mansions, the most expensive cars and homes all over the world; especially when there are people in this world who have a hard time just feeding their families or to keep a roof over their heads.  We have people making millions maybe even billions killing other for their resources.

This year I had to read the “White Mans Burden” by Rudyard Kipling.  This is a poem about how us as Americans should take up the mantel of an empire.  Kipling thought that we should because we did not have the history that other countries had in the past like:Britain and the Belgians.  This show how much he really saw things.  We were brutal too the natives, black slaves, Chinese and Irish in this country.  I would say that the past five too six hundred years of history shows how brutal the white man is.  This is coming from a white male.  I do not hate my race, but I acknowledge that this nation has never been great.  Yes we we started the industrial revolution and we were making progress for a while.  But until we recognize what we have done as a country and try to make a mends for that we will never be great.  The true White Man’s Burden is something we did to others and ourselves.  Though many will not admit it.  Those are the ones who think they are better than everyone else.  Those are the same people who promoted slavery in the past, committed mass genocide of the native population in this land.

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