I live like a hermit
alone in my room
Day by day
my hopes drift away
Loneliness consumes me
as though I have forgotten myself
I hurt to the core
since my life is a bore
I live like a hermit
how can I change
No money no life
I live with this strife
I hide myself away from the world
behind a screen
Only leaving to work
my mind encased with murk
I live like a hermit
so what do I do
The deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade this week brought have to the surface my own battles with Depression. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and been battling it for the past 24 years. Those who do not suffer from this condition can have a hard time understanding why those with the affliction can not just cheer up. I have been told to cheer up numerous times and that it is just an emotion. Well, I am here to tell you it is not just that. Yes, there is the emotion of depression but this usually lasts a couple of day or may be weeks. When you are dealing with the condition it lasts for 6 months or more. It continues day by day and year to year.
Let me ask you have you ever felt alone in a room filled with loved ones? Have you battled just to get out of bed asking yourself what is the use? Have you ever looked around and thought of different ways of ending your life? Have you ever spent weeks or months or years not taking care of your personal hygiene? Wallowing in your own filth only cleaning yourself to keep up appearences? Thinking no one cares or tries to understand you? Have you ever felt like if I were gone no one would miss me or that they would be better off without me? This is what depression the condition feels like. I continually feel this way. It is a constant struggle fighting yourself for a glimmer of hope. I have attempted suicide before, a couple of times actually. Thank goodness I never owned a gun or I would not be writing this blog right now.
It is difficult living with depression as you can see, but it can be done. It takes time, patients, medication and talk therapy for the person who is dealing with depression. For those who love them it takes understanding, acceptance, and empathy. Never looking down on them because you think that it will pass. Too those who love someone with depression you must learn the differences between the emotion and the condition. I have been told in the past by friends and family that “you just need to think positively and this will pass.” It is not that easy. That to a person dealing with depression pushes them further from you and leaves them thinking, you just do not want to deal with them. Which increases their chances of taking their own life.
This part is for those who suffer from depression. Your friends and family can only do so much to help you. You must be willing to work on yourself. I know many do not want to take prescriptions, hell I hate being dependant on them myself, but they can help. Make sure you are telling you doctors how these drugs are affecting you. This way they can change the script or rise or lower the dosages. You will also have to work on changing the way you think. Understanding the things that set you off is key to this as I have found out. This way when the feelings come back you have the tools to stop the unhealthy thoughts. This is not easy and takes a lot of practice. You must be vigilant in your own mind.
I was fortunate enough that I had the Veterans Administration to help me understand and train me how to change some of my thought processes. It was through a class called Cognitive Behavioral and Social Skills Training (CBSST for short). I know many people do not have this type of support because of insurance costs, lack of employment or any other hurdles that may stand in your way. Please know this my brothers and sisters out there that there are people who are willing to help. That many people are pushing to get healthcare for all which would include mental health. I know for me forcing myself out into the world more and more has helped me. Also, find something you are passionate about. If first thing you try doesn’t work try something else. Me I like photography, learning and helping others. This is why I have gone back to school to become a teacher and am working as an educational assistant dealing with special education students. Left me tell you this path is not for everyone. It is one of the toughest jobs I have ever held. But, to see the look in a child’s eyes when the when they finish a project or realize that you are there for them it fills my heart with joy. Even though they can drive me mad at times.
In closing if you are someone who has or is considering suicide please get some help. Below I have a list of websites and phone numbers to call. Please remember if know one else tells you this that you are loved and, we are all brothers and sisters and we should care about each other in this manner. Life is worth living and we all matter.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org tel:1-800-273-8255
https://afsp.org Toll-Free: 1-888-333-AFSP (2377)
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
https://www.samhsa.gov/suicide-prevention
So I just finished the series Thirteen Reasons Why on Netflix. It was overwhelming to me even though I am a 41 year old male. I sat through every episode in the past 2 days. I thought it would be one of those shows I watch and end up turning it off within the first 10 minutes. The story and the themes involved were so compelling I had to keep going. I force myself to turn it off being I watched it alone, which I do not recommend. Watch this show with people you love and trust. Being someone who has been dealing with depression for 20+ years I feel for the characters.
This brought forth ideas I have been thinking about a lot lately given the suicides of both Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell. It brought me back to when I first attempted suicide in the Army. I am glad I did not because of what I am trying to do with my life know. I was lost for a long time, no one understood me it seemed. I was lucky though I was young and stupid the way I tried to do it.
I had only left home twice before one was to go to Boy Scout camp the other was to go work on a hog farm for 2 weeks. I had a fuck of a hard time in basic training. I was one of the weakest in my platoon, always getting the platoon punished for my screw ups, always being screamed at and being called names buy the Drill Sergeants and other members. Though, my Drill Sergeant Terrance did pull me a side one time and gave me a little hope saying it would not be this way in permanent duty. I joined to get away from bullies ironic right maybe get to travel and earn money for college. I made it through my Advanced Individualized Training just barely there. Granted I had achilles tendonitis for the last 6 weeks and I was held over till I could pass the physical fitness test.
When I made it to my duty station in Fort Lewis, Washington I still felt alone. I met a guy who invited me to his church group. When I got there I was so out of place it was an Episcopal Church I think, they were dancing around speaking in tongues. I could not deal with that I left after the service and never returned. It was too strange even for me I was and an odd ball amongst a completely different type of odd ball.
I did meet one man who took me under his wing Staff Sergeant Bill Lester. He had been in for about 20 years and was kind of a loner himself in ways. He stayed in the barracks during the week and went back to his home in Yakima on the weekends. He even took me to meet his family a couple of times and celebrated my nineteenth birthday with me. I felt good when he was there. When he retired that is when I started having issues. Some of the other guys in the barracks I did hang out with we even played D&D and Vampire the Masquerade a few times. The issue I had was when I got back from doing a temporary tour of duty down in California.
Two new guys had just been Dwight and Tom. I did not have many issues with them so much as with the other guys in the barracks we had all gone out to see Rancid at an underground club where we met a woman named Velvet. I was not interested in here but two of the other guys were. Tom and I forgot the other guys name he was a real piece of work though. Velvet was not in to the other guy who we will call Sam, she was in to Tom. Sam and the other guys said she was Sam’s. This caused a rift in the barracks. All the other guys were pissed at Tom because they had thought he had stole Velvet. I was not on either side I was with Velvets choice which was Tom. I was caught in the middle of it all. I hated it Tom And D were not trying to make me choose sides. I still felt like I was being pulled from both sides though. Till one day I tried to overdose on about 8000 mg of motrin. I knew nothing about drugs at this time except for what I learned from the DARE Program and what some of the guys in the barracks told me.
I ended up in the hospital in the mental ward for a night and had to do counseling sessions for like a week. Eventually things calmed down though the barracks still felt divided. I would hide in my room when I was not working watching movies and smoking cigarettes sometimes going over to Tom and D’s room to play some Playstation. D is a good guy and he did encourage me to come over and hang out with them until I was released from the army due to physical fitness test failure. I had failed one prior and I had to pass this one too stay in. The NBC Sergeant who was one of my NCOIC’s (Noncommissioned officer in charge had dusted me the night before the test. I had to continually hold a gallon bottle of pine oil in my hands while my palms were turned up having my back against the wall in a open sitting position. Then he would have me switch to holding 2 bottles while standing and keeping my arms parallel to the ground. this went on for about 2 hours switching positions about every 2 minutes or so. Even though I had been through all that the night before I still tried my hardest to pass the test, I missed it by 2 pushups and 2 minutes in the 2 mile run.
After is when I started using Marijuana it was on the bus ride home in Fargo, North Dakota. I did not give a shit at this point and I was feeling rebellious and wanted in my mind it was a big fuck you to the army. I ended up getting involved with a dude Named Mike Welsh. He had started a group called R.A.I.D. (Revolution Against an Indecent Democracy). I found out the guy only actually started the group to get laid and he tried to have his way with my sister who is younger than me. After that I left the group and found out later that R.A.I.D. had fallen apart after I left. That was the last time I followed politics for many years after.
I did hang out and live with a few friends that I had met through Mike: Tony, Jesse, and Adam. Previously I had been diagnosed with depression after I had all this shit went down with Mike. Then Kurt Cobain committed suicide and I was living with Tony we were talking about it. I was not a big Nirvana fan till after his death I think it was because it was then I understood his music having tried to commit suicide myself. When we were talking about it Tony had made it clear about his point of view on people who commit suicide. He was of the mind set that anyone who did that was a coward and the he would not go to anyone’s funeral who did. This is when I started to learn to hide my feeling and who I actually was. I did not want to lose the few friends I had. I started to live for them and not myself I was using Marijuana a lot and I was experimenting with other drugs as well like: LSD, Mushrooms, Opium and one time I tried Crack. I remained friends with the guys till about a few of years ago when I had lost my job, wife, two hernia surgeries. Once again I was lost this time I felt completely alone even when I was with people. Tony had let me stay with him and his new wife. Both good people I just was trying to find my way again every weekend I was getting drunk till one night I got so drunk I puked all over their floor while trying to make it to the bathroom. I moved out shortly thereafter.
In my new place I started pushing people away. I was going through major changes and looking for reasons to stay alive. I realized after a couple of years I needed to get help thanks to the story of Malala Yousefzai. I was looking at my life in a whole new way. Here was a young woman who had stood up to the Taliban and here I was battling the demons within my own head. It was then that I decided that I was going to better myself but not for me. I wanted to better myself to help build a better society for everyone. From that point on word I have been battling those demons going to the V.A. for psychological help and get back into school to become a teacher. I am now almost done with my A.A. and doing it well.
Basically the moral of this story is I know it is hard and things never seem like they are going to get better. The thing is that you never know when something or someone is going to inspire you. Things can and will get better. If you are feeling lonely talk to someone anyone. Society for now is tough but there are people out there trying to make this a better place for you. Maybe they can help to inspire you to live and be better because life is not about trying to be perfect or living up to other peoples standards, it is about trying to make ourselves better and making the world somewhere we can all accepted.
Apathy, dances rampant through the U.S.
Botched class selection stifles the voice.
Carrions, rancid stench in the heat of day.
Decadent tones of pain and sorrow, screech.
Every cloud thicker, darker, rain will fall.
False prophets sing as the damn nation cries.
Germinating seed crushed like, toes under car.
Horrendously sour is the tapestry of the sky.
Indigo carried in the following weeks.
Jester reeks high from the ass of gluttony.
Known is the kiss of wind wet and sloppy.
Low the heart is heard in a makeshift house.
Mental in a world showered in avarice.
No sweet hurrah in a hindered brain.
Open air, as the sun strains through.
Potent scent of success eludes him.
Quiet he speaks in words ambiguous,
Random cycles pains the joints of old men.
Salty is the wounds in my mind.
Tremendous calls a leader as a child rests in sand.
Undercooked, not on sidewalks, fried bacon.
Victorious she though while orange face strikes.
Wonderful fragrance of life peace, tranquility.
Xylophones chant in clearing the sky song.
Yarns spun soft for ignorant contentment.
Zenith of the sun sprinkles golden rays.
I won’t own a gun because they take know effort to harm yourself or someone else. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder I have days where it would be very easy for me if I had a gun where I could easily just load the gun and pull that trigger. Thankfully those thoughts have come in fewer intervals as of late. Now days I just want to run as far away from everything and everyone. My mind races with so many thoughts I can hardly concentrate or focus on one thing. There are days I wish my mom had aborted me just so I wouldn’t have to live this mess up life with no meaning but to work, eat and sleep. No time to decompress.
People don’t understand the loneliness even when you are surrounded by others. They cannot comprehend the darkness I feel daily. Sure, I am having a few good days where these things don’t enter my mind as much and they seem to be increasing, but I am always waiting for everything to come crashing down.
I barely leave my home except to go to work or therapy, though I start back to school next week so that should help. For almost 20 years I have been dealing with this problem; it is a fight. A fight with my mind but it wares on me. I hope school will help me with being more social because a lot of them are gone. Maybe that light I see will get just a bit closer only time will tell.
Well I am finally going to go see suicide squad today. I have seen the reviews but I have to decide for myself. I am just so bored and cannot focus on homework Mainly because all I do for the most part any more is just work, school, eat and sleep. I have no social life to speak of really.
I have always felt alone in my life not, because I didn’t have friends or family. It is because I feel they just never understood me at all. I am one of those people who could be in a room filled with people and still just feel like I am the only person in the room. Over the past 4 or 5 years this feeling has grown. That is one of the reasons why I started counseling and going back to school. I wanted to try and put myself out there and find people who have similar interests who may understand where I am coming from and why I want to do what I am trying to do.
I have such a hard time making new friends to do stuff with. Here I am 40 years old divorced, single and living in a mobile home older than me,fighting my depression constantly. It is a never ending battle. I know people do worry about me in my family, yet it is hard for me to be around them. The last few times I had been with them it just seem that when they were talking to me they were hyper critical of me and my viewpoints, even though I try to keep it on the internet they bring it into the face to face contacts. So I just do not want to be around them. I feel like nothing I can do in their eye is right or good enough. They expect me to see things the way they do and I just can’t. It is not me I look deeper into things, I try to understand the way the world works. This is something I have always done. It seems to me that all they see in me is a 40 yr old who like Cartoons, horror movies, and is decent with kids. I feel they think I do not actually look into anything of substance at all. They prove this by the way they try and push there own morals and beliefs on me.
Look I am who I am and believe in my own moral code. I have always been like that. Religion has had no affect on my moral values. All I want is to be a good person and help others try to treat others with respect as much as possible, not alway succeeding there. When I came out as an Atheist for the first time that is when things started going south between me and them. My mom was like no you’re not you Agnostic. At the time I got offended because I didn’t know then what I do now about the word and its uses.
Being an Atheist just means I do not believe there is a god. Agnosticism is a state of knowing. So my mom was right to a point, but we are all Agnostics. No one knows for sure if a god really exists or not, despite what some people may say. A belief is a feeling not knowledge. I have tried to believe in a god so that people would except me I have been to so many different churches done research on the matter as well as read the bible from front to back. There is nothing there to prove the existence of a god for me. Some people would Probably say that it is your lack of faith that causes my depression and loneliness. This could not be farther from the truth for me. It is the fact that my family and old friends that think that I just want to be a rebel, different, and want to mold me to the image they want. That is what want me to be, that has been a big contributor to my depression. Me and my mom used to be close or as close as I can get to a person emotionally.
I had to take a break from writing this post for awhile, because I have been in tears while writing this. My heart is heavy and I hurt so bad, but I push on. I expose my heart to all of you out here to let you know if you feel the same way you are not alone. You can make it through it. It does not matter if you’re a teen, in your 40’s or in your later years you can push through this. You are stronger than you think. I know because I am living it with you. I feel the pain, the anguish, fear and loneliness the as much as anyone. Those thoughts in your head can be change but only through practice and hard work. You just have you just have to have faith in yourself and find your passion. Thing do get easier the more you work at it. It may never go away, but at least it can be more manageable for you in the long run.
If you know and love someone who has depression take the time to try and understand them. Let them know they are loved don’t just say it show it. You will make it easier for them and you may save their life. Please.
If you have any questions on ways I have used to manage this leave a comment down below or you can message me on facebook or twitter. I will try to respond as much as I can.
I want to leave you all who read this with this, You are all loved even though it may not feel like it at times you are. I love you all and stay strong and let peace be with you all.
JJ's World Views 