JJ's World Views

Tag: hope

  • Crying Spells

    It sucks living with depression.  Not only do I sometimes have issues just finding reasons to get up in the morning.  I also have times where I can not stop crying.  This one I am in now has been going on since I gave my speech on Thursday.  I can stop for a while but then it starts back up again.  It doesn’t matter if I am sad, happy, hopeful or cynical I cry for it all it seems.

    This past year has been herd for me.  I have been losing focus and not keeping up with my homework.  I think knowing this is my last semester at Normandale Community College has this affected me.  I have been comfortable there for the most part, though I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone more since I have been there.  I love the teachers and faculty there.  They have been really supportive and caring.   Hell, I am 41 I knew this was coming.  I just didn’t think it would come this soon.  These past 2 1/2 years have gone by so quickly.

    I guess I might fear change a bit but, I know that is how life is and how we grow as people.  I guess I have just gotten so comfortable that it is really hard to do.  Especially, since I have not had a place where I felt I belonged so long before I came to school.

    For the twelve years prior to me heading to school I bounced around a lot about 30 time in that time period.  I have had many jobs, 2 hernia surgeries, married, divorced, and lost my grandfather.  Though we had only met when I was 20 because, of my mom not thinking it was important for me to know them until that time.  She never even told me about them till I was 20 and I had not asked about them just my Biological father.  I remember one time when I was like 15 years old, when I got into it with my dad (the man who raised me) we almost came to blows.  My mom showed me a letter that bio-father had written me.  He told me he loved me and all that jazz in the letter.  To tell you the truth I don’t remember much of what it said because I was stuck in my own little world, after the fight.  I don’t know why my mom didn’t tell me about my grandparents then.  This to me seems like it would have been the best time to do so.  But, she waited.

    It was always nice talking to my grandfather.  We could talk about anything it felt like.  We talked about our lives, politics, religion, ect… I always felt comfortable talking about these topics with him.  Not like now where I sometimes feel my head and ears burning when I talk about them with other members of my family or friends for that matter.  I never felt judged by him or my grandmother.

    It is time now again to start feeling uncomfortable and push myself to do better.  Not just for me but for the world as a whole.  This is my philosophy of life “I want to make myself better in order to better help the world.”  I know this sounds Idealistic but that how I see things.  Do I think I am better than anyone else? Hell, No!  Do I think we are all the same? Once again, Hell, No. We are only the same as it pertains to us being human.  We are all a part of the same family in a sense .  We all have different talents and skills, this is why we are not all the same and why none of us is better than another, at least in my perspective.  There’s only one exception to me thinking I am not better than a person and that is if they see violence as the only solution.  Even then I think some those people can change their thinking.

    We all have the potential to be both good or bad or fall somewhere on the spectrum.  We can all learn from one another if we are willing to put ourselves out there.  We can find inspiration anywhere and everywhere in life.  It is sometimes comes from the most unexpected places.  Look at me I am an Atheist but, I was inspired to go back to school by a young Muslim woman named Malala.  Her courage to stand up to the Taliban gave me hope for the future.  The fact that she is still pushing for Girls to have the right to an education even after she was shot, amazes me.  I just hope and wish I have the same amount of courage she has.

  • Loneliness is a curse

    Well I am finally going to go see suicide squad today. I have seen the reviews but I have to decide for myself. I am just so bored and cannot focus on homework Mainly because all I do for the most part any more is just work, school, eat  and sleep.  I have no social life to speak of really.

    I have always felt alone in my life not, because I didn’t have friends or family. It is because I feel they just never understood me at all.  I am one of those people who could be in a room filled with people and still just feel like I am the only person in the room.  Over the past 4 or 5 years this feeling has grown.  That is one of the reasons why I started counseling and going back to school.  I wanted to try and put myself out there and find people who have similar interests who may understand where I am coming from and why I want to do what I am trying to do.

    I have such a hard time making new friends to do stuff with.  Here I am 40 years old divorced, single and living in a mobile home older than me,fighting my depression constantly.  It is a never ending battle.  I know people do worry about me in my family, yet it is hard for me to be around them.  The last few times I had been with them it just seem that when they were talking to me they were hyper critical of me and my viewpoints, even though I try to keep it on the internet they bring it into the face to face contacts. So I just do not want to be around them.  I feel like nothing I can do in their eye is right or good enough.  They expect me to see things the way they do and I just can’t.  It is not me I look deeper into things,  I try to understand the way the world works.  This is something I have always done.  It seems to me that all they see in me is a 40 yr old who like Cartoons, horror movies, and is decent with kids.  I feel they think I do not actually look into anything of substance at all.  They prove this by the way they try and push there own morals and beliefs on me.

    Look I am who I am and believe in my own moral code.  I have always been like that.  Religion has had no affect on my moral values.  All I want is to be a good person and help others try to treat others with respect as much as possible, not alway succeeding there.  When I came out as an Atheist for the first time that is when things started going south between me and them.  My mom was like no you’re not you Agnostic.  At the time I got offended because I didn’t know then what I do now about the word and its uses.

    Being an Atheist just means I do not believe there is a god.  Agnosticism is a state of knowing.  So my mom was right to a point, but we are all Agnostics.  No one knows for sure if a god really exists or not, despite what some people may say.  A belief is a feeling not knowledge.  I have tried to believe in a god so that people would except me I have been to so many different churches done research on the matter as well as read the bible from front to back.  There is nothing there to prove the existence of a god for me.  Some people would Probably say that it is your lack of faith that causes my depression and loneliness.  This could not be farther from the truth for me.  It is the fact that my family and old friends that think that I just want to be a rebel, different, and want to mold me to the image they want.  That is what want me to be, that has been a big contributor to my depression.  Me and my mom used to be close or as close as I can get to a person emotionally.

    I had to take a break from writing this post for awhile, because I have been in tears while writing this.  My heart is heavy and I hurt so bad, but I push on.   I expose my heart to all of you out here to let you know if you feel the same way you are not alone.   You can make it through it.  It does not matter if you’re a teen, in your 40’s or in your later years you can push through this.  You are stronger than you think.  I know because I am living it with you.  I feel the pain, the anguish, fear and loneliness the as much as anyone.  Those thoughts in your head can be change but only through practice and hard work.  You just have  you just have to have faith in yourself and find your passion.  Thing do get easier the more you work at it.  It may never go away, but at least it can be more manageable for you in the long run.

    If you know and love someone who has depression take the time to try and understand them.  Let them know they are loved don’t just say it show it.  You will make it easier for them and you may save their life.  Please.

    If you have any questions on ways I have used to manage this leave a comment down below or you can message me on facebook or twitter.  I will try to respond as much as I can.

    I want to leave you all who read this with this,  You are all loved even though it may not feel like it at times you are.  I love you all and stay strong and let peace be with you all.