JJ's World Views

Tag: Army

  • My Thoughts on Thirteen Reasons Why

    So I just finished the series Thirteen Reasons Why on Netflix.  It was overwhelming to me even though I am a 41 year old male.  I sat through every episode in the past 2 days.  I thought it would be one of those shows I watch and end up turning it off within the first 10 minutes.  The story and the themes involved were so compelling I had to keep going.  I force myself to turn it off being I watched it alone, which I do not recommend.  Watch this show with people you love and trust.  Being someone who has been dealing with depression for 20+ years I feel for the characters.

    This brought forth ideas I have been thinking about a lot lately given the suicides of both Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell.  It brought me back to when I first attempted suicide in the Army.  I am glad I did not because of what I am trying to do with my life know.  I was lost for a long time, no one understood me it seemed.  I was lucky though I was young and stupid the way I tried to do it.

    I had only left home twice before one was to go to Boy Scout camp the other was to go work on a hog farm for 2 weeks.  I had a fuck of a hard time in basic training.  I was one of the weakest in my platoon, always getting the platoon punished for my screw ups, always being screamed at and being called names buy the Drill Sergeants and other members.   Though, my Drill Sergeant Terrance did pull me a side one time and gave me a little hope saying it would not be this way in permanent duty.  I joined to get away from bullies ironic right maybe get to travel and earn money for college.  I made it through my Advanced Individualized Training just barely there.  Granted I had achilles tendonitis for the last 6 weeks and I was held over till I could pass the physical fitness test.

    When I made it to my duty station in Fort Lewis, Washington I still felt alone.  I met a guy who invited me to his church group.  When I got there I was so out of place it was an Episcopal Church I think, they were dancing around speaking in tongues.  I could not deal with that I left after the service and never returned.  It was too strange even for me I was and an odd ball amongst a completely different type of odd ball.

    I did meet one man who took me under his wing Staff Sergeant Bill Lester.  He had been in for about 20 years and was kind of a loner himself in ways.  He stayed in the barracks during the week and went back to his home in Yakima on the weekends.  He even took me to meet his family a couple of times and celebrated my nineteenth birthday with me.  I felt good when he was there.   When he retired that is when I started having issues.  Some of the other guys in the barracks I did hang out with we even played D&D and Vampire the Masquerade a few times.  The issue I had was when I got back from doing a temporary tour of duty down in California.

    Two new guys had just been Dwight and Tom.  I did not have many issues with them so much as with the other guys in the barracks we had all gone out to see Rancid at an underground club where we met a woman named Velvet.  I was not interested in here but two of the other guys were.  Tom and I forgot the other guys name he was a real piece of work though.  Velvet was not in to the other guy who we will call Sam, she was in to  Tom.  Sam and the other guys said she was Sam’s.  This caused a rift in the barracks.  All the other guys were pissed at Tom because they had thought he had stole Velvet.  I was not on either side I was with Velvets choice which was Tom.  I was caught in the middle of it all.  I hated it Tom And D were not trying to make me choose sides.  I still felt like I was being pulled from both sides though.  Till one day I tried to overdose on about 8000 mg of motrin.  I knew nothing about drugs at this time except for what I learned from the DARE Program and what some of the guys in the barracks told me.

    I ended up in the hospital in the mental ward for a night and had to do counseling sessions for like a week.  Eventually things calmed down though the barracks still felt divided.  I would hide in my room when I was not working watching movies and smoking cigarettes sometimes going over to Tom and D’s room to play some Playstation.  D is a good guy and he did encourage me to come over and hang out with them until I was released from the army due to physical fitness test failure.  I had failed one prior and I had to pass this one too stay in.  The NBC Sergeant who was one of my NCOIC’s (Noncommissioned officer in charge had dusted me the night before the test.  I had to continually hold a gallon bottle of pine oil in my hands while my palms were turned up having my back against the wall in a open sitting position.  Then he would have me switch to holding 2 bottles while standing and keeping my arms parallel to the ground.  this went on for about 2 hours switching positions about every 2 minutes or so.  Even though I had been through all that the night before I still tried my hardest to pass the test, I missed it by 2 pushups and 2 minutes in the 2 mile run.

    After is when I started using Marijuana it was on the bus ride home in Fargo, North Dakota.  I did not give a shit at this point and I was feeling rebellious and wanted in my mind it was a big fuck you to the army.  I ended up getting involved with a dude Named Mike Welsh.  He had started a group called R.A.I.D. (Revolution Against an Indecent Democracy).  I found out the guy only actually started the group to get laid and he tried to have his way with my sister who is younger than me.  After that I left the group and found out later that R.A.I.D. had fallen apart after I left.  That was the last time I followed politics for many years after.

    I did hang out and live with a few friends that I had met through Mike: Tony, Jesse, and Adam. Previously I had been diagnosed with depression after I had all this shit went down with Mike.  Then Kurt Cobain committed suicide and I was living with Tony we were talking about it.  I was not a big Nirvana fan till after his death I think it was because it was then I understood his music having tried to commit suicide myself.  When we were talking about it Tony had made it clear about his point of view on people who commit suicide.  He was of the mind set that anyone who did that was a coward and the he would not go to anyone’s funeral who did.  This is when I started to learn to hide my feeling and who I actually was.  I did not want to lose the few friends I had.  I started to live for them and not myself I was using Marijuana a lot and I was experimenting with other drugs as well like: LSD, Mushrooms, Opium and one time I tried Crack.  I remained friends with the guys till about a few of years ago when I had lost my job, wife, two hernia surgeries.  Once again I was lost this time I felt completely alone even when I was with people.  Tony had let me stay with him and his new wife.  Both good people I just was trying to find my way again every weekend I was getting drunk till one night I got so drunk I puked all over their floor while trying to make it to the bathroom.  I moved out shortly thereafter.

    In my new place I started pushing people away.  I was going through major changes and looking for reasons to stay alive.  I realized after a couple of years I needed to get help thanks to the story of Malala Yousefzai.  I was looking at my life in a whole new way.  Here was a young woman who had stood up to the Taliban and here I was battling the demons within my own head.  It was then that I decided that I was going to better myself but not for me.  I wanted to better myself to help build a better society for everyone.  From that point on word I have been battling those demons  going to the V.A. for psychological help and get back into school to become a teacher.  I am now almost done with my A.A. and doing it well.

    Basically the moral of this story is I know it is hard and things never seem like they are going to get better.  The thing is that you never know when something or someone is going to inspire you.  Things can and will get better.  If you are feeling lonely talk to someone anyone.  Society for now is tough but there are people out there trying to make this a better place for you.  Maybe they can help to inspire you to live and be better because life is not about trying to be perfect or living up to other peoples standards, it is about trying to make ourselves better and making the world somewhere we can all accepted.

  • Whats Going On

    Well I have finished my first draft of my first assignment last nite.  I just now finished the analysis of the stories I had to read.  They are both due tonight at 11:59.  My first story is the one about my time down in California when I was in the Army.  I was hesitant about doing this piece because it delves into some really personal details I felt needed to be explored.  I wrote about drunken stupers where I could not remember anything, what I consider the my official loss of virginity and explain why I use the term Official.  The road trip I took with sort of friend Sam and the woman I want to get with Angel.

    I will be posting this story along with other writing projects I am putting in my portfolio in mid-July.  I do not want to do it now because I don’t want to plagiarize myself and this way I will be forced to take my time to rewrite it as well.

    I will be getting out of my house this weekend with my camera to take photos.  I am thinking of starting a survey of the week.  This would be a way for my followers to help keep me on the ball here on my blog.  It would also be a way for me to explore Minnesota to broaden my horizons a bit.  I would look up four different places to go shoot and have you all vote on where you would like to seem my point of view.

    By July I should hopefully have my crowdfunding campaign set up for a study abroad trip I was invited to go on.  I have a choice of South Africa or China.  This class is for people going into the Social Sciences, studying diplomacy.  I have never traveled out of the country before except to head up to Vancouver, British Columbia for a weekend.  I was planning on trying to use my scholarship money to take a trip to Australia this past May.  But, as always life likes to kick me in the ballsack and I had to cancel the trip.  I will get to travel to different places around the world though.  This is something I have wanted to do as a kid, though my family could not afford it at the time.  Back then it was Germany I wanted to go to for class.  Now, I that I am in my forties, I want to see the world.

    If anyone knows how to set one up a crowdfunding campaign and could help me it would be much appreciated.  I have an idea of what to write and maybe a video for it.  The Issue I have is I have no idea what I could give people as a reward for donating at different levels.  What can a poor man give to those willing to help him achieve a dream?  Please leave a message in the comment if you have any ideas.

    Peace be with you my friends.

  • Me and Religion

    I grew up loosely Catholic.  My parents had me go to my first communion and confession, other than that the only time we went to a church it was for weddings and funerals.  I hated going to church every time I went in one I felt I had done something wrong and they were always so cold.  This was a problem when I was in the Boy Scouts.  If you have been in the scouts you know the laws.  I could follow just about everyone of them except one.

    Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, Obedient ( at the time yes, not anymore), Cheerful (I did my best), thrifty, brave and clean were not such a big deal.  The one I had problems with was Reverent.  I got picked on alot when after camp at Tomahawk and did not go to church there.  I left the troop I think it was the fall of 1987.  After that I started looking into other religions the Greek myths, a little Buddhism and cults.   I actually did a paper for myself on the Children Of God cult in South America in the 7th grade.  That was one sick group they allowed for the rape and molestation of children.  I will be honest it this was when I really started to wonder if I believed in a god.  The clincher was when I actually read the Bible for the first time, but that was not until years later.  To this day I still do not know if I actually ever believed in the Christian god or if I was just believing what friends and family wanted to believe.

    In 1994 I joined the Army, on my dog tags I had them list my religion as Agnostic.  In Basic training I realized the military was not the life for me.  During the initial dusting my glasses fell off and a drill sergeant, who looked like Sergeant Slaughter, crushed them under his foot as I was doing push-ups.  I had to wait about a week before I could get my “birth control glasses”, these were so named because if you were wearing them you were guaranteed not to get laid.  During the waiting period I could not make things out more than anything more than 30 feet in front of me.  That Sunday morning, which was the only free time we had other than sleep, I went to the Protestant Chapel, I wanted to take comfort from something, I wanted to believe in god at that time.  That was the only time I went to Church in Basic Training.  I did not enter another church until I was in active duty.

    This is when I met someone who invited me to their Episcopal Church at Fort Lewis, Washington.  That was an experience to say the least. The Church was off base in what looked like a wooden house painted brown on the outside.  Inside the walls had brown wooden paneling with a pulpit and chairs in two columns and four rows in the front room and a open room on the side.  It seemed like a normal sermon at first then they started speaking in tongues.  They encouraged me to join in and I tried, but I guess i just could not feel the Holy Spirit.  That was so weird to me, I did not understand a single thing going on I just went with it till I got a ride back to the barracks.  This was also about the time I started to realize I was an Atheist, though I stuck with Agnostic because I was worried how others may view me.  I did not enter a church again until my Uncle Butchie’s Funeral in 2001.  I did however read the Bible in between these two church outings.

    When I was first starting to read the Bible I saw contradictions within the first two chapters of Genesis, Specifically the order in which the animals and the first man were created.  In Chapter one the animals came first then man, then in chapter two it said that man came first then the animals. Back then this was confusing as hell to me.  Now I understand that the old testament is a bastardization of a multitude of other religions, specifically the Torah of the Jewish faith.  I was able to make it through Genesis just barely with all the who begot who and other stuff.  I eventually made it through it took a long time though.  There is one part in revelations that I used to try and de convert a couple of Mormon Missionaries when they stopped by my dad’s mobile home one day, I was confused on how they were able to justify the book of Mormon when in the Book of Revelations states  in Chapter 22 Verses 18-19 that “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” This did not work but I got to test my knowledge and gave my dad a laugh in the process.  He was in his bedroom when they came over and heard me talking to them for about hour.  He just sat back there watching T.V. and heard me trying to convince them to give up their faith in a polite way.  That was fun.

    I remember my uncle because I was homeless living with my ex girlfriend at the time and her parents in their camper, this was also before 9/11 like about a week or so.  A couple of days before I had just gotten off work and sitting in her driveway behind her house and smoking a bowl of some decent pot, I said to myself ” this hit is for you Butchy.” I knew he was not doing well and my cousin b got him some weed so he could eat, his liver was failing and he wanted to eat his favorite food Pizza again before he passed.  The next day after my little salute to my uncle my best friend had taken a message for me that my uncle had died that night.  He had wanted me to be a pallbearer at his funeral, how could I say no to one of my uncle’s dying requests.  So, that weekend I was in the St. Paul Cathedral, I felt awkward as hell going in there even if it was for family, I felt cold shivers down my spine on top of mourning the loss of my uncle.  I made it through though. The next time I would step into a church was when I met my ex wife after chatting with her on line.

    We actually met a couple days before that,  Liz (my ex wife) was stuck near me and needed a ride home.  I told her I would help and picked her up and we talked a bit till I got her home.  I agreed to meet her again at her church right down the street from me in Sanford, FL.  I had told her I was “Agnostic and that I normally would not meet at a church”, but I figured I would try the religion thing again.  I went with here a few times when we were dating, I even went as far as almost signing up to the church.  Then I went to the house of the pastor for an introductory meeting.  When I saw this place I could not believe my eyes.  Here this guy is preaching to people who are living modest lives while he and his family were living in a house worth, I would say from $500,000 to $750,000.  This was a beautiful home Beige on the outside with a couple of columns at the front door and a three car garage.  You walk into the house this place had 20 ft vaulted ceilings all 3 kids had their own rooms plus the master.  There was a 10 ft. patio door that you could look out into the backyard, which was not that huge but had a nice view of a pond.  Oh, did I mention this was in I think it was Altamonte Springs, FL in a really nice neighborhood, I guess that goes without saying.  Since then I have not stepped foot in a Christian place of worship.

    About 4 years ago I came out as an Atheist to my friends and family on Facebook.  I was tired of hiding who I was for so long.  This stirred up a bit of shit with my mom and her husband Rick, little did they know I had came out to his parents a couple of years before.  They had no problem with it.  Rick unfriended me from Facebook my mom was in denial still thinking I was Agnostic, which I am I do not know if there is a god or not, I just do not believe there is a god.  This does not make me immoral I try to treat people the way I want to be treated do I always do so, No.  Am I perfect, there is no objective perfection, so No.  My Goal in life is to try to help make the world better, not perfect, for future generations.  To help bring peace through understanding of other cultures and religions.  I am not one of those Atheists who say all religions are bad.  Religions are neither bad nor good they are tools to help people.  It is how people use religion that matter.  Some Pray, Some go to Church, most just want to live their lives in peace.  There are those who would and have used religion to subjugate, torture and murder that use religion as a justification for these things.  Most of the people I have met be it Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist have been good people just trying to get by.  Who am I to say what they should or should not believe.  As long as they are not harming anyone who really cares.  Most people in America today hold on to religion as a tradition carried down through there families and will admit they are not sure there is a god or not.  Hell, I met an Evangelical Christian that feel the same way I do about the LGBTQ and Muslim communities.  That they should be able to live their lives the way they want to as long as they are not hurting anyone.  That shocked the shit out of me, I thought we would be battling it out.  He even accepted me which was really cool I thought.

    My journey with religion has been long and hard, but it has not ended.  I will be learning more about other religions in the future and hopefully make some friends along the way.  I hope this may help some people understand me better and maybe themselves.  The next time you meet someone who is an Atheist try to remember we are not evil incarnate.  We are people just like you.  We love, we feel pain and we get lonely just like everyone else.  We are each individuals and should be treated as such.

    Peace Be with You My Friends, Peace Be with You.